Releases 12th December 2005

Blunt Of The Week Special

With releases from Westlife, Mariah, That Frog and Robbie Williams this week we’ve made it a blunt of the week special, dedicated to some of the biggest blunts in music. Apologies for the lateness, maybe I’m a blunt too!

Westlife feat. Diana Ross – When You Tell Me That You Love Me
IG:Oh look! It’s another nauseating samey Westlife ballad, released around the festive period… nice to see the lads having a go at some different… * groan *

Of course, this is shit! It is Westlife, with or without Diana Ross, they’re just crap. Part of me wants this to do especially badly because “You Raise Me Up” was named bloody Record Of The Year! I mean, come on! Not that that actually counts for anything. The great british public vote, these are the people hat kept the Crazy Frog and James Blunt at number one for all those weeks.

It almost gets a little bit good at the bridge with Diana really starting to give it some welly, but then Shane ruins it. Bleugh. I wonder if it’s a cover (I really should know that)

PB: Westlife are collaborating with Diana on a cover of one of her old songs. Why they chose this song I don’t know. Mark would deliver the ‘Why do birds sing so gay?’ line (Ha!) from ‘Why Do Fools Fall In Love’, which amongst Ms Ross’ finer moments. I’ll tell you why they did one of her blandest songs, because they are dull. They’re so dull infact, that they make dishwater look like champagne.

Don’t quote me on this but this is the first material we’ve had from Diana in a good few years. Which confuses me, so many questions, so little time. Are times this hard at Chez Ross? She came out of pop-retirement for this? Is this what we’ve come to? Why am I still listening to this? Is this the end of pop music (again)?

But I’ll leave all that for another day.

I’m sure that, much like their last ‘inspirational’ single, this is supposed to ‘touch the hearts of the nation’ once more and make people realise what love is. Because of course, they were all too busy hugging their grandparents and kissing babies’ foreheads to be in love, but now that the ‘Loife have released a love song, they can have sex again. Boring, slow sex. With no orgasms. Or something.

Mariah Carey – Don’t Forget About Us
PB: Now, as a Girls Aloud and S Club fan I may be a bit of a hypocrite here but: I don’t like re-releases of albums. It’s not nice. It almost makes me glad I downloaded her album first time round. Because I’d be pissed off if I’d’ve bought it back in the summer only to see it be re-released three and a half singles in (‘Shake It Off’/’Get Your Number’ was a double A-Side) conveniently just in time for Christmas.

‘Don’t Forget About Us’ is apparently inspired by the greatest woman ever to grace this fair earth, Marilyn Monroe. Hmmm. I’m sure Norma Jean is spinning in her grave as we speak. I just don’t understand the link here.

Oh Mariah! Shut the fuck up and give us a blast of ‘All I Want For Christmas’ or ‘Hero’. And please, don’t you dare start a rendition of ‘Against All Odds’ with the Loifers.

IG:It’s Maaaaaaarriiiiiiiiiiiahhhh! And it’s also a bit of R’n’B that I really am getting bored with one minute in. I really, really, really cannot get excited about this music at all.

I find it incredibly boring and unimaginative. To me it sounds like it could’ve been released by Mariah, Beyonce (with or without the Destinys) , “r’n’b Jlo”, or just any of those clones. It’s really nothing special at all. I think I’ll go and listen to “All I Want For Christmas Is You” and remind me that there is actually one Mariah song that I actually like.

Crazy Frog – Jingle Bells
IG: The type of song that makes me want to punch a shopping centre Santa Claus.

Of course the Crazy Frog wouldn’t just bugger off and die like we all wished. Of course, because the public are stupid enough to make the frog into a utterly crap “phenomenon” here in Britain, on par with stuff like Celebrity Love Island and toast.

The only small smidge of goodness in the entire, highly irritating trip into Christmas Hell is the sample of Noddy Holder saying “Iiiiiiit’s Chriiiistmas!” (not like Mariah) reminding me that there are good Christmas songs! Hurrah! I hope Noddy sues the Frog’s scaly little arse for that sample if it’s used without permission.

PB: I can’t honestly say I’ve had the pleasure of hearing this song too many times (and I use the word ‘song’ in the very loosest sense). I imagine it’s abysmal. And Crazy Frog even has the cheek to try and murder a classic tune (as opposed to the hideously below par ‘Axel F’ and ‘Popcorn’ which really were quite annoying in the first place). I thought he’d go for Rudolph personally.

However, despite being a horror to humanity, I’m going to let this one slide! Afterall, it wouldn’t be Christmas without novelty records (although please NOTE: Christmas is where they should stay) and it’s the season of good will and all (Please note: good will will only last one season). Plus, I have bigger, uglier more hideous fish to fry (plotting the assassinations/mutilations of Robbie, Bluntmeister, Louis Walsh and The ‘Loife).

Merry Christmas Crazy Frog!

Nizlopi – JCB Song
PB: This song is sweet. I did dislike it early on as the sentiment was so sickly I nearly spewed, then I realised it’s the season of good will and all, and really, it’s actually not that bad at all. And it references Transformers, B.A. Baracus and Bruce Lee.

I think the line that does it for me is the “I wanna transform into a tyrannosaurus rex, and eat up all the bullies and the teachers and their pets”. Especially has Hip-Hop Boy (Pop Boy’s youngest brother) has had a hard time at school for the last few months and this line really sums up just how he feels, I think. My heart would weep, if I had one. It would be cool if our Dad (Drivetime Man) had a JCB though.

Maybe it is to do with Pop Boy’s family, but this song really does get me. I’m the eldest of three brothers, and I’m sure all of us have at some point dreamt about Drivetime Dad owning a JCB and taking us out for a drive.

Girls just don’t understand. Or something.

IG: I don’t even know what I think about this song. One thing’s for sure, the video is ace. That’s clear. Now for the song… well, last week I adored it. Now I’m getting a little bloody pissed off with it. I mean, the song has been around for quite a while but no-one paid any fucking attention until they appeared on Richard & Judy.

The song is interesting. I can’t decide whether it’s clever or just really silly either. I think it’d make an alright Christmas Number one though. Knowing the story behind the song helps a bit as well (the kid singing is bullied at school a lot and the only time he really feels safe is in his dad’s JCB digger) I think it’s just a very nice sentiment for this time of year, it’s “nice.”

Robbie Williams – Advertising Space
IG: Right, do I or do I not prefer this to “Tripping” ? Well, this is more a trip back to classic Robbie and I have no idea whether that is good or bad thing.

It’s a bit boring to be honest. Slightly dreary. And I have things abut all these male singers as I tend to dismiss stuff that doesn’t live up to the stuff I like in general. Plus Robbie’s a bit of a twat.

Oh alright. A complete twat. He song is all ‘meh.’ I need more from Robbie for his music to impress me.

PB: Oh Robbie, how I hate thee. Your songs make my blood boil over. Your moaning and whining make me want to smash by head against windows in the chance that glass will shatter into my ears and deafen me. Despite being a huge music fan I’d quite happily go deaf if it meant I never had to listen to your glorified pub chants again.

(OK, I’ll give you your dues, ‘Angels’ was ace, but if Guy Chambers had given it to, let’s say, Mark Owen, the Take That story would be a very different one. And best British single of 25 years? Puh-lease.)

Mariah was inspired by Marilyn Monroe, Nizlopi by JCBs, Westlife by drying grey paint and Crazy Frog by Christmas, and Robbie is inspired by Elvis. Once again, I can’t quite make the link myself. How this dull song, that even manages to out-dull Westlife (now, surely that deserves a Brit Award!), can be compared to Elvis, the man who invented the pervy hip thrust and rock-n-roll, I don’t know. It might be something to do with the lyrics, but I don’t care to listen that much. It’s probably about how terrible it is being rich and shagging women way above your depth and getting chances you don’t deserve (surely he should be strung up for the new album?) and about how big Robbie’s cock is. Or something.

Best & Worst
Best: IG – Nizlopi, PB - Nizlopi
Worst: IG -Tie between Crazy Frog and Mariah, PB – Robbie Williams

And may I add at the end this week is readers (if there are any of you) make yourselves known! We’d like to hear feedback and opinions so really do feel free to comment. Make use of the little comment button. I like to hear what people have to say and who is reading us. We do read them [PB: I don’t].