Questions Of The Week...

What the fuck is Fergie's 'London Bridge' about?
How come everytime he comes around her London London Bridge wanna go down? I just don't get it. When I heard her debut solo single was called 'London Bridge' I figured it would be in the vein of 'LDN' or The Smith's 'Panic', or would sample nursery rhyme "London bridge is falling down".

But I can't figure out the imagery? Is she thinking of Tower Bridge, implying that her lady part is like a bascule? Even then, surely the idea, or imagery, would suggest that you'd want your 'London Bridge' to go up? This is all very confusing.

Maybe her lady part is sinking an inch every 8 years. Maybe her male friend is Saxon Kind Ethelred (I'm not one to judge)?

More to the point: What the fuck does the song have to do with London?
Other than the dancing guards, the phone boxes at the beginning and the -duh- Tower Bridge at the end, there doesn't appear to be much London-ish, or even English in the video, and it's certainly not in the song. I don't even think the video was filmed in London. That river they're speedboating in isn't the Thames is it? Where's the sewage spray?

Whatever, clearly, Fergie is an idiot.

Is Jamelia's song supposed to sound like all her other songs with guitars thrown in?
Because it does.

'Something About You' is basically a rocked up 'Thank You' with guitars isn't it? I'm all for artists sticking with what they know works for them (it stops things like this happening) but that's not quite the point is it?

Jamelia's turning into a black solo female Westlife from Birmingham. Weirdly, that image does work, because often, when I think of Jamelia's material, I think of stools.

What the fuck is up with 'Sexy/Back'?
Much like Fergie's 'London Bridge', 'Sexy/Back' doesn't appear to be about anything? Does Justin like it up the bum? Does Justin like doing up the bum? Does he have a back fetish? These are, of course, all literal interpretations (and wishful thinking).

The randomness of the song remains though. The song contains only one verse and a chorus that's repeated three times. The rest of the song consists of Justin and Timbaland repeating the same line over and over. All of this over a bassline that sounds like 'Popcorn' being attacked by 'Like I Love You'. All this being said, I do love the song.

I've tried to interpret the lyrics, but I think it's a pointless excercise as this is clearly a song that has no meaning and makes no sense, much like Russian t.A.T.u songs. Maybe in some far off land 'Sexy/Back' does make sense. That's nice for them. In the meanwhile I think we should all dance.

Plus, he looks very hot in the video. He also looks hot in the video for equally weird 'Featuring Timbaland' song, 'Promiscuous' by Nelly Furtado, which is a little less successful in its Timba-randomness and ends up as a messy dirge.

Has Robbie Williams crossed the line between 'zany and innovative' and 'drugged up has-been' one too many times?
A lot has happened since I last wrote anything. All of ^ this ^ for a start. But also, Official Laughing Stock of the British Media has emerged from in between the legs of a beautiful woman long enough to record and release a new 'song' (though, judging by the quality, he wasn't up for air for very long).

In words of Maximo Park's Paul Smith: "write a review? well how objective can I be?", But, I'll try. I'll give 'Rudebox' one thing, I do actually quite like the bridge. But all in all it adds to another of Robbie's lost lives. 'Radio' was, plainly, a pile of shite trying to jump on the 80s revival bandwagon. 'Trippin'' tried desperately and failed tragically to be 'What You Waiting For?'.
Here 'Rudebox' seems to have stolen a half arsed bleepy beat that Robbie found whilst rooting around in Richard X's bins, thrown in the token 'generic rapper call outs and hand claps' and decided to rap over it.

If Eminem were dead, he'd be spinning in his grave to hear this white-man rap, which namechecks TKMaxx, Durex and Adidas and could've been written by a dyslexic four year old. The video, which I'm not going to YouTube link, because I don't want to, may have stood a good chance of being cool in 2003, if Robbie were Nelly. Unfortunately, it's 2006 and he's not (someone ought to tell him).

Once again, in an attempt to keep up with pop music and appear cool and innovative, Robbie falls flat of his pug face, and embarrasses himself and anyoen whose ever bought a record of his.