Valentine's? Love? Pffft.

It’s the Valentine season and people across the world are snuggling up to various sickeningly slushy love songs like ‘Too Lost In You’ and ‘Lovin’ You’ and they’re all very happy. But what do those of us who are single and (extremely) bitter and cynical do? Well, for a start we could listen to these alternative love songs and be glad you’re not involved with weirdos like these…

PB:
Just Like A Pill
First off, a modern classic and one of the highlights of Pink’s career. A romantic love song with a love filled with pills, pain and morphine. Various interpretations can be drawn, and none of them are particularly pretty. The most obvious two are that this is an ode to a drug riddled relationship or ‘the man’ is beating Pink to within an inch of her life. Either way, I wouldn’t rush to put this one a mixtape for a loved one. Happy Valentine’s Baby! Where’s the drugs?

Tainted Love
There’s something ironic about scary looking seedy men like Marc Almond and Marilyn Manson singing about abusive, frightening relationships. This song, much like ‘Just Like A Pill’, is one of undeniable passion and unconditional love despite the abuse you’ve suffered, and, in this case, the STDs you’ve picked up. I’m sure there’s supposed to be some kind of sentiment in there somewhere. The ultimate alternative love song. Originally sung soul-style by Marc Bolan’s wife, Gloria Jones, then made famous by Soft Cell in the 80s before being covered by ‘goth’ Marilyn Manson in what must be the definitive version.

Where The Wild Roses Grow
One of Kylie’s darker moments for sure. Aching strings that begin to pull at the heart strings from the start document this alternative love story. Bells toll throughout turning it into more of a funeral procession than a love song. But it there is still love between the ‘characters’ Elisa Day and Nick Cave despite the dark morbidness of the song. I still don’t think I’d be glad to receive a similar sentiment from a Valentine though. Cleverly uses the image of a rose, both romantic and deathly to create an undying passion which must die and merge the two images together.
Warning to all beautiful virgins: If a man calls you Wild Rose and promises to show you where the Wild Roses grow – GET OUT OF THERE!!

IG:
In My Arms
For you to cry about the fact you’ve never had a love. Not even a young man with a drug addiction who then hangs himself with a belt. Yes, this is Rufus Wainwright’s tale of being extremely unlucky in love. Firstly he finds the young man, desperately wanting to get off the drugs, Rufus takes him away and they sleep together but then the young man wanders back into the dark world of drugs and ends up hanging himself with a belt due to his severe addiction, leaving Rufus distraught and pining to care for the man again. Just be glad you’ve never suffered heartache like this. (unless you have of course, in which case you’re just really, really unlucky. And also could you contact me and tell me of your heartfelt tale, as it could get me top marks on my next creative writing exam)

I Write Sins Not Tragedies
This is the latest offering from the new hottest act on the usually dismal emo scene. ‘I Write Sins Not Tragedies’ tells the tale of a young man. He’s incredibly excited, he’s all ready for his wedding to his sweetheart and looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her. But as he’s pacing the corridors of the church beforehand he overhears the mandatory bitchy bridesmaid commenting on the wedding. “Yes,” she says… “the wedding may be beautiful, but the bride is a whore.” The young man then throws open the door in heartache exclaiming that people should just keep their mouths shut. I guess the lesson of this is, all bridemaids are bitchy, but also that weddings are sometimes not all as perfect as they may seem.

All The Things She Said
Surely your relationship can never be as scorned upon as Julia and Lena’s?!? Judging by the video, they could only have been in a convent to prevent that bad a reaction. As the rest of the world seemed to find it hot (namely straight men and America) and the girls were a worldwide hit. Mind you, we must get back to the point of the song. Some people feel their relationships can never just carry on because people just won’t accept them and I’m going to be serious here. A lot of gay relationships are still hated by those God-bothering Christians who like to think the bible is real. If they hated this, would’ve liked to have seen their reactions if it was a male on male relationship. Apparantely gayness is fine now, as long as it’s two Russian schoolgirls.
But that was not that point of the song…. Err… relationships can make you feel worse than being single… I think.

So to sum up, don't be going adding these to any of your love compilations... they really just don't say "I love you."